Dark Waltz - Hayley Westenra. Check it out. It makes my heart smile. Broadly.
Time to get off my ass I guess. I had an epiphany yesterday. Or as my best friend calls it, I had a "beat yourself to a pulp" session. Either way, it was equally as productive.
Not like you lovely readers (readers? Where?!) really care, but my life has been an up down and all around seesaw ever since I was about 15 of being happy, waiting to be happy, and being miserable. Not necessarily all in that order.
My epiphany was that I blamed the bumps and bruises of my past for those. And while that's TRUE, I let myself be beat down by it, wallowing, in a sense. And I realized yesterday that being stronger than that is more or less an act of will. Don't get me wrong, it's a big act of will lol. But that's all that stands between me and the Mary that I want to be. Me. So it's time for Mary kicking her own butt. Because that's the only thing that's worked in the past.
Time to stop moving around the world trying to find a place my troubles can't reach me. Not this time. It's got nothing to do with where I am, and everything to do with who I let myself turn into. It makes me unhappy. I don't fault myself for it. It was a defense mechanism. But it outlasted its usefulness years ago. Time to get rid of it.
It's also time to stop smoking. That is a nasty remnant of when those times hit me really hard. I don't think I'll be able to completely get rid of my problems with that little reminder. (not to mention they're expensive as hell and horribly bad for you)
So, to anyone who reads or cares, it's a new Mary I hope. I hope I hope.
I'm better than the person I've become. Time to start acting like it.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Paranormal or Paranoid?
So... some minor stuff has been happening in the house over the last few months, and I never really thought anything of it until it was more than like one or two instances.
Not long after my boyfriend and I moved into the house my brother lives in, funny things started happening. First, I was asleep, and the boyfriend was on the computer with the headphones on when he heard the shower turn on. That's not unusual as my brother gets in at all hours of the night. Well, after the shower appeared to be on for something like 40 minutes (much longer showers than my brother takes), he went up to check and make sure everything was ok. Well, he took off the headphones and walked out our room and realized the shower wasn't on. So he walked into the kitchen and saw that our back door was open, and the rainstorm outside was pouring into the kitchen. (Keep in mind at this time, both dogs and the cat were still inside, none raising any kind of stink about the back door, none of them running outside and playing in the rain) Being the paranoid guy that he is, he grabbed a knife and checked the entire house for an intruder. There was no one here, so he shut and locked the back door. He came back in the room and about 15 minutes later he heard what sounded like a shower, he walked back in the kitchen and tha back door was wide open. Now, that door is heavy and has a deadbolt lock. There was absolutely no way it could've been opened from the outside without a key, or breaking the window.
A few weeks after that happened, we had been watching an anime cartoon on my laptop when the battery died. So we shut down the laptop, closed it, and set it on the floor to finish watching it on the desktop. About half an hour later when I was getting ready to go to work, all the sudden we heard the anime pickup, right where we had left off on it, from the laptop which was still theoretically turned off, with a dead battery, on the floor.
Nothing else happened for awhile until yesterday morning I woke up and there was a gray case on the kitchen floor. I didn't know what it was so I figured my brother had something to do with it. Well, boyfriend and I were sitting outside smoking a cigarette, when brother came out and asked who was using the nail gun, and that it wouldn't work too well without the compressor. Apparently that gray case housed a nail gun, and was normally kept on a shelf above the washer, something like 6-7 feet off the ground. I examined the shelf and there was no way my cat could have gotten up there, for one thing, and for two, there would have been no way for her to get behind it and push it off. The dogs were again well out of range of the shelf. And had the case simply fallen the 6-7 ft to the floor, the noise would certainly have woken someone up. But the kicker comes in when I noticed the case ACROSS the kitchen floor, on the other end of the room where the washer an dryer are. Had it fallen, the noise would have been so loud it would have scared the hell out of the cat, and the dogs don't mess with anything that isn't food or a toy, so we were stumped.
I had thought that that was all that had been going on in the house until yesterday when my boyfriend and brother both had experienced walking into the kitchen at ridiculous hours of the night (3-4am) and looking at the stove, noticed one of the burners was on. Not in a way that the handle had slipped (which is unlikely, as they're difficult enough to turn anyway), but that it had been lit (you know how you have to pause a sec to wait for it to light), and then moved from there. I'd be willing to attribute this to someone forgetting to turn it off, but apparently it was on nights where no one had used the stove at all... and twice...?
Am I just paranoid or what? :/
Not long after my boyfriend and I moved into the house my brother lives in, funny things started happening. First, I was asleep, and the boyfriend was on the computer with the headphones on when he heard the shower turn on. That's not unusual as my brother gets in at all hours of the night. Well, after the shower appeared to be on for something like 40 minutes (much longer showers than my brother takes), he went up to check and make sure everything was ok. Well, he took off the headphones and walked out our room and realized the shower wasn't on. So he walked into the kitchen and saw that our back door was open, and the rainstorm outside was pouring into the kitchen. (Keep in mind at this time, both dogs and the cat were still inside, none raising any kind of stink about the back door, none of them running outside and playing in the rain) Being the paranoid guy that he is, he grabbed a knife and checked the entire house for an intruder. There was no one here, so he shut and locked the back door. He came back in the room and about 15 minutes later he heard what sounded like a shower, he walked back in the kitchen and tha back door was wide open. Now, that door is heavy and has a deadbolt lock. There was absolutely no way it could've been opened from the outside without a key, or breaking the window.
A few weeks after that happened, we had been watching an anime cartoon on my laptop when the battery died. So we shut down the laptop, closed it, and set it on the floor to finish watching it on the desktop. About half an hour later when I was getting ready to go to work, all the sudden we heard the anime pickup, right where we had left off on it, from the laptop which was still theoretically turned off, with a dead battery, on the floor.
Nothing else happened for awhile until yesterday morning I woke up and there was a gray case on the kitchen floor. I didn't know what it was so I figured my brother had something to do with it. Well, boyfriend and I were sitting outside smoking a cigarette, when brother came out and asked who was using the nail gun, and that it wouldn't work too well without the compressor. Apparently that gray case housed a nail gun, and was normally kept on a shelf above the washer, something like 6-7 feet off the ground. I examined the shelf and there was no way my cat could have gotten up there, for one thing, and for two, there would have been no way for her to get behind it and push it off. The dogs were again well out of range of the shelf. And had the case simply fallen the 6-7 ft to the floor, the noise would certainly have woken someone up. But the kicker comes in when I noticed the case ACROSS the kitchen floor, on the other end of the room where the washer an dryer are. Had it fallen, the noise would have been so loud it would have scared the hell out of the cat, and the dogs don't mess with anything that isn't food or a toy, so we were stumped.
I had thought that that was all that had been going on in the house until yesterday when my boyfriend and brother both had experienced walking into the kitchen at ridiculous hours of the night (3-4am) and looking at the stove, noticed one of the burners was on. Not in a way that the handle had slipped (which is unlikely, as they're difficult enough to turn anyway), but that it had been lit (you know how you have to pause a sec to wait for it to light), and then moved from there. I'd be willing to attribute this to someone forgetting to turn it off, but apparently it was on nights where no one had used the stove at all... and twice...?
Am I just paranoid or what? :/
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
And the days keep rolling
It's June tenth and I have managed not to do something horrible in my life that would prevent me the opportunity of typing on this lil' screen. Personally, I'm pretty impressed by that. No, my long absence is attributed to the routine in which I find myself. It isn't boring, or mundane, it's just one of those things you get into when you have a very nearly full time job.
Life is doing well for me so far. Boyfriend and I both work, come home, take care of the animals, pay the bills, play World of Warcraft, cuddle before bed, rinse, repeat. I mean yeah, the days don't really hold any surprises for me, but that's alright. They're comfortable. And comfortable is just what I needed.
Life is doing well for me so far. Boyfriend and I both work, come home, take care of the animals, pay the bills, play World of Warcraft, cuddle before bed, rinse, repeat. I mean yeah, the days don't really hold any surprises for me, but that's alright. They're comfortable. And comfortable is just what I needed.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
ZOMG WTF Employed?!
After months of sending applications in online and in person, I finally got a call. the nearby Books-a-million is shorthanded and hiring.It's not glamorous, and it's not lucrative, but it's a job. A job that will relive stresses and make life a little more comfortable.
No, I don't want to be there forever but... it's a nice place to start from.
And I really love books so... I win!
No, I don't want to be there forever but... it's a nice place to start from.
And I really love books so... I win!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
And so she sleeps. An Obituary.
And so she sleeps, my guiding, guardian angel.
Bright jade eyes slip drowsily closed as an empathetic, half-hearted smile graces her tiny lips.
A smile... her smile... that persists in sleep, as eyelashes brush cheeks, rosy and delicate.
And so she sleeps, darkening the windows to her soul,
Retreating within herself, voluntarily, willingly, though not happily.
Tiny hands desperately clutch wadded sheets, belying her calm visage.
And so... she sleeps.
And as she sleeps her eyes that lightened the world dim.
Out, but never forgotten.
Her eyes which spoke the volumes of her soul... and mine... silence.
The lips that uttered songs of angels,
spoke words to the unseen world around her,
calmed fears, tamed beasts, made a song without a melody,
are slightly parted... peaceful... and silent.
The fingers and hands that made a dreary word beautiful are still.
That clutched a pen, a paintbrush, a book, a phone.... Her tools,
Lay idle, twitching involuntarily from time to time in protest.
The chest that cradles her beating heart,
The heart that opened doors, and windows, and closets, and curtains,
and inspired people to fly from them, out them, around them, in glorious freedom,
lays quiet.
With simply the gentle rise...
...and fall...
the only indication she lives at all.
And so she sleeps... her pigtailed head nestled amongst the softest pillows I could find.
The mind that drove my world.
The artist... the writer... the poetess... the dreamer.
And so she dies to the world.
That through necessity I might ignore her.
Forget myself.
That I may live on in comfort.
The shell of the self we were.
Bright jade eyes slip drowsily closed as an empathetic, half-hearted smile graces her tiny lips.
A smile... her smile... that persists in sleep, as eyelashes brush cheeks, rosy and delicate.
And so she sleeps, darkening the windows to her soul,
Retreating within herself, voluntarily, willingly, though not happily.
Tiny hands desperately clutch wadded sheets, belying her calm visage.
And so... she sleeps.
And as she sleeps her eyes that lightened the world dim.
Out, but never forgotten.
Her eyes which spoke the volumes of her soul... and mine... silence.
The lips that uttered songs of angels,
spoke words to the unseen world around her,
calmed fears, tamed beasts, made a song without a melody,
are slightly parted... peaceful... and silent.
The fingers and hands that made a dreary word beautiful are still.
That clutched a pen, a paintbrush, a book, a phone.... Her tools,
Lay idle, twitching involuntarily from time to time in protest.
The chest that cradles her beating heart,
The heart that opened doors, and windows, and closets, and curtains,
and inspired people to fly from them, out them, around them, in glorious freedom,
lays quiet.
With simply the gentle rise...
...and fall...
the only indication she lives at all.
And so she sleeps... her pigtailed head nestled amongst the softest pillows I could find.
The mind that drove my world.
The artist... the writer... the poetess... the dreamer.
And so she dies to the world.
That through necessity I might ignore her.
Forget myself.
That I may live on in comfort.
The shell of the self we were.
And now...
Now I am blamed. I am blamed for putting the thought of seeing Boyfriend's parents for mother's day in his head, so that he called them and told them we would come, and is freaking out about NOW because he is worried we can't afford it.
It is my fault, apparently.
It is my fault, apparently.
And the world keeps turning
3 months after the move from Tampa. I'm still unemployed.
The bank screwed me over... again. A mysterious and unrecognized $25 charge (and $35 overdraft) just drove my account deeper in the hole. What the hell happened? I've been trying to be so responsible...
Responsible it seems, is not enough. What kind of world is it when people who are trying to be decent and responsible are only putting $10 of gas at a time in their car, and shopping the reduced for quick sale groceries, while people who harass other innocent folks at a gas station, pushing car wax on them, are pulling in hundreds of dollars a day? And trust me, folks, these guys are not the cream of the crop of today's society. One was imprisoned (a few times) for assault... and the other should have been... but hadn't. Probably because she was an attractive girl with an acute awareness of what her assets could do for her.
Boyfriend gives talks daily about how it can't go on like this for much longer. I am well aware. I tell him I can do nothing but try. But I have been trying. I suppose I can... try harder. "I wasn't gonna say it but..." he replies.
What a knife through the heart. He loves me and cares for me but... obviously thinks I'm just not trying hard enough. Maybe I would try a little harder if my self confidence wasn't being beaten down day by day by the only job offers I'm getting... which are no more legitimate than the others I already tried.
Do I have to be unhappy just to keep living? Do I have to take a job that mentally breaks me down and sends me home crying, just so I can come home to a house with a boyfriend who isn't stressed out? Who gives me a calm... peaceful atmosphere to cry myself to sleep?
I'm being dramatic. I'm always dramatic. Or so they tell me.
The bank screwed me over... again. A mysterious and unrecognized $25 charge (and $35 overdraft) just drove my account deeper in the hole. What the hell happened? I've been trying to be so responsible...
Responsible it seems, is not enough. What kind of world is it when people who are trying to be decent and responsible are only putting $10 of gas at a time in their car, and shopping the reduced for quick sale groceries, while people who harass other innocent folks at a gas station, pushing car wax on them, are pulling in hundreds of dollars a day? And trust me, folks, these guys are not the cream of the crop of today's society. One was imprisoned (a few times) for assault... and the other should have been... but hadn't. Probably because she was an attractive girl with an acute awareness of what her assets could do for her.
Boyfriend gives talks daily about how it can't go on like this for much longer. I am well aware. I tell him I can do nothing but try. But I have been trying. I suppose I can... try harder. "I wasn't gonna say it but..." he replies.
What a knife through the heart. He loves me and cares for me but... obviously thinks I'm just not trying hard enough. Maybe I would try a little harder if my self confidence wasn't being beaten down day by day by the only job offers I'm getting... which are no more legitimate than the others I already tried.
Do I have to be unhappy just to keep living? Do I have to take a job that mentally breaks me down and sends me home crying, just so I can come home to a house with a boyfriend who isn't stressed out? Who gives me a calm... peaceful atmosphere to cry myself to sleep?
I'm being dramatic. I'm always dramatic. Or so they tell me.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Business woman my ass!
I went into this job I was so excited about all weekend long. And they were still being vague and dodgey. Come to find out the reason why, it's because this "marketing firm" sets up shop on the side of the roads and at gas stations and hawks CAR WAX at poor people trying to pump their gas and run away from them. No offense to anyone who might do this but it was... completely misrepresented to me.
I'm so disappointed right now I can't write anymore.
I'm so disappointed right now I can't write anymore.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The menagerie of my home
Thought I would share the animals that make my housekeeping efforts all the more inefficient.
Dixie
Cooper
And my darling little pain in the butt: Onyxia
Dixie
Cooper
And my darling little pain in the butt: Onyxia
ZOMG an interview?
So I have an interview tomorrow. Not an application fill out, not a resume drop off, a walk in, sit down, talk with the hiring dude interview. For a full time, 8-5, Mon-Fri job. Oh man... how awesome would it be to have a full time job again?
*is nervous*
*is nervous*
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Cigarettes and coffee... a thought
I think, personally, that cigarettes and coffee were made to be enjoyed together. They don't seem quite right, one without the other, anymore.
Yes, yes, I know that I'm a horrible dirty smoker. One of those nasty habits I picked up in college when I was overly stressed about things that didn't even deserve a moment of attention... but I guess that's the way college is nowadays. You don't go to college for schooling, you go to college to try and grow up. And generally you do grow up, but usually not quite in the way you wanted, and in no way the manner you thought. Classes tend to get in the way of your growing process. I suppose that's why I stopped going. I can grow up on my own time and I don't need to fork over thousands of dollars just to live in a commune of people my own age, which doesn't, in any way, mirror the demographic of people I will likely be living in company with for the rest of my life.
In short, college was awesome, as much as college sucked. As one of my dear friends put it, "It was one of the best times in my life that I would never, for any reason or circumstance, ever live again."
But of course, one of the nasty little habits that held over from there was smoking (though I smoke more now than I ever did back then). Over active and destructive drinking, I thankfully left behind me. Now... I don't know really why I do it now, other than I find it relaxing. It helps me de-stress and handle things in life. The little things that would otherwise eat away at me. So I am quite confident that now is not the time to quit smoking, and as detrimental as it is to my health, it is something that I find very comforting. And health is one of those things that will fail from the very second it begins. Should I quit something that I find relaxing just to preserve a health that is failing anyway?
Who knows, but it's definately time for another cup of coffee.
Yes, yes, I know that I'm a horrible dirty smoker. One of those nasty habits I picked up in college when I was overly stressed about things that didn't even deserve a moment of attention... but I guess that's the way college is nowadays. You don't go to college for schooling, you go to college to try and grow up. And generally you do grow up, but usually not quite in the way you wanted, and in no way the manner you thought. Classes tend to get in the way of your growing process. I suppose that's why I stopped going. I can grow up on my own time and I don't need to fork over thousands of dollars just to live in a commune of people my own age, which doesn't, in any way, mirror the demographic of people I will likely be living in company with for the rest of my life.
In short, college was awesome, as much as college sucked. As one of my dear friends put it, "It was one of the best times in my life that I would never, for any reason or circumstance, ever live again."
But of course, one of the nasty little habits that held over from there was smoking (though I smoke more now than I ever did back then). Over active and destructive drinking, I thankfully left behind me. Now... I don't know really why I do it now, other than I find it relaxing. It helps me de-stress and handle things in life. The little things that would otherwise eat away at me. So I am quite confident that now is not the time to quit smoking, and as detrimental as it is to my health, it is something that I find very comforting. And health is one of those things that will fail from the very second it begins. Should I quit something that I find relaxing just to preserve a health that is failing anyway?
Who knows, but it's definately time for another cup of coffee.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Why do dogs eat dirt?
I can't seem to understand it. I live with two very playful, very wonderful labradors, but for some reason, whenever I let them out in the back yard, they make a beeline for the big patch of open dirt in the back yard and start eating it. They don't DIG in it, mind you, but straight up eat it. It can't taste that good... it just can't.
Though on the bright side, the day is beautiful, the birds are chirping, the cars aren't sounding overly obnoxious. I paid the bills today. It's a good feeling to be able to do that, but not so good a feeling when you have to wait til the next pay check to pay the next round. One day at a time I suppose. And if it has to be one day at a time, then I suppose I could've picked a much worse day to enjoy than today.
...even if I am busy dodging bees.
Though on the bright side, the day is beautiful, the birds are chirping, the cars aren't sounding overly obnoxious. I paid the bills today. It's a good feeling to be able to do that, but not so good a feeling when you have to wait til the next pay check to pay the next round. One day at a time I suppose. And if it has to be one day at a time, then I suppose I could've picked a much worse day to enjoy than today.
...even if I am busy dodging bees.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Success?
Well, application/resume have both been turned in and I am still alive. Though if I had a dollar for every app I turned in, I would stop looking for a job. *sigh* You know, I really wish that there was some kind of protocol for if you decide not to hire someone, call them and let them know. This "we'll call you" bull is really getting on my nerves.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sometimes all it takes is someone to talk to
To take care of my earlier promise, the book that I referenced in the previous post was Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck. I highly recommend it for anybody who feels like their life isn't going quite the direction that it probably should in order to be happy.
My earlier funk, while not quite disappeared, has lessened enough for me to be able to live through it (or stuff it back down somewhere and deal with it later?) . Apparently riding around in the car with my boyfriend, throwin' back some cigarettes and taking one of those late night Wal-mart strolls (you know, the kind where you go half to look at whatever they're selling, and half to just watch the people who are shopping) are really good for the psyche.
I know that whatever issues I have will need to be worked out, but its times like these when I am incredibly thankful for having my boyfriend here. Whatever it is I have to deal with, I don't have to deal with alone. I know that a lot of the time, he's not going to be able completely understand the way I feel or why I feel it, but... at least he's there for me. I can't imagine now what it would be like to not have him around. This blog would probably get much more harassed.
My earlier funk, while not quite disappeared, has lessened enough for me to be able to live through it (or stuff it back down somewhere and deal with it later?) . Apparently riding around in the car with my boyfriend, throwin' back some cigarettes and taking one of those late night Wal-mart strolls (you know, the kind where you go half to look at whatever they're selling, and half to just watch the people who are shopping) are really good for the psyche.
I know that whatever issues I have will need to be worked out, but its times like these when I am incredibly thankful for having my boyfriend here. Whatever it is I have to deal with, I don't have to deal with alone. I know that a lot of the time, he's not going to be able completely understand the way I feel or why I feel it, but... at least he's there for me. I can't imagine now what it would be like to not have him around. This blog would probably get much more harassed.
I was reading a book today. I'll find the title and author of it and post them as well just in case anyone would find it of any use, but it stated that emotional scars are like shrapnel in your psyche. It went on to say that just as with physical injuries, without proper care of your psychological wounds, your body would not function properly in anything else. It is apparently like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound and then trying to go about one's daily life regularly.
The only reason I mention something like this is because today I was supposed to walk down the street and hand in my resume for a local business and wen I was walking down the street to do just that, I froze. It wasn't as if my feet stopped being able to move, but it may as well have been just that. I just got this overwhelming sense of dread, like I wasn't supposed to be there, doing that, at that specific time.
I know it was silly, and I'm going to turn back around tomorrow and actually go through with the process I was supposed to complete today. It just made me stop and wonder. My happiness has been such a fragile thing for awhile now. While there's no reason I can think of for it being so... who's to know? I think it's time to go looking for shrapnel, I suppose. But if there's anything there, and I do find it, will I have the time and means to deal with it, or just let it keep sitting there?
Just a thought.
The only reason I mention something like this is because today I was supposed to walk down the street and hand in my resume for a local business and wen I was walking down the street to do just that, I froze. It wasn't as if my feet stopped being able to move, but it may as well have been just that. I just got this overwhelming sense of dread, like I wasn't supposed to be there, doing that, at that specific time.
I know it was silly, and I'm going to turn back around tomorrow and actually go through with the process I was supposed to complete today. It just made me stop and wonder. My happiness has been such a fragile thing for awhile now. While there's no reason I can think of for it being so... who's to know? I think it's time to go looking for shrapnel, I suppose. But if there's anything there, and I do find it, will I have the time and means to deal with it, or just let it keep sitting there?
Just a thought.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Intro to wonderings, and first idle thought.
I'm just a normal girl living in southern Alabama. I wouldn't call myself or my life average, but then again, the word average hardly applies to anyone when you think about it. I began this blog today (I think it's April 7th by now) as a way to not only express myself in writing, but also to vent some of my random thoughts so that maybe they will stop plaguing my brain.
As a bit of a background, I am in my early twenties and live with my boyfriend and my brother. We share the house with two labradors and a black tabby cat. My brother's significant other is off serving the country at the moment, but still comes home and visits with us as regularly as is possible. As many living beings as there are in this house, it somehow never feels crowded and generally just feels like home. My boyfriend and I have been here for two months now and it just seems like comfortable living. A simpler life, I'm slowly observing, can be just as enjoyable as a very intricate one. It's also, I might add, a great deal cheaper.
Today (or was it yesterday now? Eh it doesn't matter. April 6th, for reference) the household all ventured out to the park to celebrate and support the local Pride/Equality for Alabama observation day. It was somewhat subdued but it was a beautiful day. There was much sitting in the grass, beer drinking, and generally just enjoying the company. We tend to gravitate more towards the bohemian, open-minded, free-spirited folks. And as one might imagine in southern Alabama, that group is somewhat limited. Yet limited thought it is, it still is refreshing.
In short summation, it was a great day. One of those days where you don't worry about whatever troubles you have going on in your life. A day when life exists in a very small sphere of space with a very select group of people, and while you could think of things that would make it better, they're not so important that you need bother yourself over. It was, in fact, that very feeling that inspired me to write this blog. Thought it was the events that occurred after I decided to write that is the inspiration for my first blog.
You ever sit around on Youtube? Wandering around the site online and just randomly finding funny or interesting or strange and bizarre things. My boyfriend and I were doing just that when somehow we managed to run across quite a few posts dealing with the Westboro Baptist Church. Now, I personally can't help but see the irony in running across this group when I had recently come home from an equality gathering. For those who don't know, the Westboro church is based out of Topeka, Kansas, and takes the practice of its beliefs to a level that even the religious of my acquaintance would dare take it. And as someone who grew up in the deep south, I've seen alot.
This group of people practice a religion of hatred. It is their most fervent belief that God is very vengeful, and very hateful, and practices his hate on a broad scale. To these practitioners, God's hate is expressed on homosexuals, Jews, Catholics, and a slew of others. They openly damn America as an entire country, believing that natural disasters, war, and terrorist attacks, are all directly connected to God's wrath at America. His anger, they believe, is directly on the United States because the country enables a homosexual way of life. They take their words of hatred and intolerance on the roads across the country. They begin the brainwashing of their children at birth and live a very secluded life. It is no wonder that they live that way, as a large portion of the people they would come in contact with would likely threaten them harm.
I suppose my confusion comes in when I can spend an entire day among my equals, enjoying their conversation, intelligence, talents, and humors, and then come home to hear raving, yelling, about these people who I was just enjoying the company of, and how we are all going to hell, because for some inexplicable reason, God hates us. Setting aside of course the highly controversial subject of whether or not God exists, and if so how, and why, and under what doctrine (yeah, not touching that with a ten foot pole), one would have to wonder and what point in time would God decide, after allowing us free will, to then HATE us for the choices that we make with it.
One of the leading member of this organization stated that this life on earth is a vapor, and that eternity lies beyond it. In essence that our vapor of a life here will determine how we will live out an infinite time. I can't help thinking, as I watched her say this, flanked by her two daughters (both wearing "Godhatesfags.com" t-shirts), that if my life is a short vapor in which I live, before forever, and I have been given this gift to choose for myself, to think for myself, to use this mind and this heart and this soul that God or Allah or Shiva or The Great Pumpkin gave me, before my soul is surrendered to the great beyond, is it so outlandish to think that I will use them? Is it wrong that it upsets me when these people talk about how this life doesn't matter, when I have always felt, in my heart, that this life is a gift? If God hypothetically exists, and has given me this life, and these abilities, would it not then in turn upset God if I didn't use them?
It does not take thought or heart to memorize and manipulate written word into what you want to see. In fact, most of us do it every day. When I look at these people, with their message, I just... I can't help but see speakers hooked up to one big radio. Fred Phelps (the leader of this "church") is one huge radio, and everyone in his church is a very large, very empty speaker, repeating only what the radio tells it to. I could be wrong, but you know, that's just what I see. I see the very same message from different mouths, in such an exact way that I can't see where this message has been taken to heart and applied to a daily life. It seems that the message rules their lives to the point where their lives are not their own any more. And while that is something I can respect, what I can't respect is publicly slandering people for their decision to use the gifts and talents they were given, and to live as their heart and mind beckon them to.
I suppose... my point is: Believe what you want to believe. But you keep that in your home and in your church and out of my face when what you believe in is stirring up anger and hatred in the fellow man around you.
As a bit of a background, I am in my early twenties and live with my boyfriend and my brother. We share the house with two labradors and a black tabby cat. My brother's significant other is off serving the country at the moment, but still comes home and visits with us as regularly as is possible. As many living beings as there are in this house, it somehow never feels crowded and generally just feels like home. My boyfriend and I have been here for two months now and it just seems like comfortable living. A simpler life, I'm slowly observing, can be just as enjoyable as a very intricate one. It's also, I might add, a great deal cheaper.
Today (or was it yesterday now? Eh it doesn't matter. April 6th, for reference) the household all ventured out to the park to celebrate and support the local Pride/Equality for Alabama observation day. It was somewhat subdued but it was a beautiful day. There was much sitting in the grass, beer drinking, and generally just enjoying the company. We tend to gravitate more towards the bohemian, open-minded, free-spirited folks. And as one might imagine in southern Alabama, that group is somewhat limited. Yet limited thought it is, it still is refreshing.
In short summation, it was a great day. One of those days where you don't worry about whatever troubles you have going on in your life. A day when life exists in a very small sphere of space with a very select group of people, and while you could think of things that would make it better, they're not so important that you need bother yourself over. It was, in fact, that very feeling that inspired me to write this blog. Thought it was the events that occurred after I decided to write that is the inspiration for my first blog.
You ever sit around on Youtube? Wandering around the site online and just randomly finding funny or interesting or strange and bizarre things. My boyfriend and I were doing just that when somehow we managed to run across quite a few posts dealing with the Westboro Baptist Church. Now, I personally can't help but see the irony in running across this group when I had recently come home from an equality gathering. For those who don't know, the Westboro church is based out of Topeka, Kansas, and takes the practice of its beliefs to a level that even the religious of my acquaintance would dare take it. And as someone who grew up in the deep south, I've seen alot.
This group of people practice a religion of hatred. It is their most fervent belief that God is very vengeful, and very hateful, and practices his hate on a broad scale. To these practitioners, God's hate is expressed on homosexuals, Jews, Catholics, and a slew of others. They openly damn America as an entire country, believing that natural disasters, war, and terrorist attacks, are all directly connected to God's wrath at America. His anger, they believe, is directly on the United States because the country enables a homosexual way of life. They take their words of hatred and intolerance on the roads across the country. They begin the brainwashing of their children at birth and live a very secluded life. It is no wonder that they live that way, as a large portion of the people they would come in contact with would likely threaten them harm.
I suppose my confusion comes in when I can spend an entire day among my equals, enjoying their conversation, intelligence, talents, and humors, and then come home to hear raving, yelling, about these people who I was just enjoying the company of, and how we are all going to hell, because for some inexplicable reason, God hates us. Setting aside of course the highly controversial subject of whether or not God exists, and if so how, and why, and under what doctrine (yeah, not touching that with a ten foot pole), one would have to wonder and what point in time would God decide, after allowing us free will, to then HATE us for the choices that we make with it.
One of the leading member of this organization stated that this life on earth is a vapor, and that eternity lies beyond it. In essence that our vapor of a life here will determine how we will live out an infinite time. I can't help thinking, as I watched her say this, flanked by her two daughters (both wearing "Godhatesfags.com" t-shirts), that if my life is a short vapor in which I live, before forever, and I have been given this gift to choose for myself, to think for myself, to use this mind and this heart and this soul that God or Allah or Shiva or The Great Pumpkin gave me, before my soul is surrendered to the great beyond, is it so outlandish to think that I will use them? Is it wrong that it upsets me when these people talk about how this life doesn't matter, when I have always felt, in my heart, that this life is a gift? If God hypothetically exists, and has given me this life, and these abilities, would it not then in turn upset God if I didn't use them?
It does not take thought or heart to memorize and manipulate written word into what you want to see. In fact, most of us do it every day. When I look at these people, with their message, I just... I can't help but see speakers hooked up to one big radio. Fred Phelps (the leader of this "church") is one huge radio, and everyone in his church is a very large, very empty speaker, repeating only what the radio tells it to. I could be wrong, but you know, that's just what I see. I see the very same message from different mouths, in such an exact way that I can't see where this message has been taken to heart and applied to a daily life. It seems that the message rules their lives to the point where their lives are not their own any more. And while that is something I can respect, what I can't respect is publicly slandering people for their decision to use the gifts and talents they were given, and to live as their heart and mind beckon them to.
I suppose... my point is: Believe what you want to believe. But you keep that in your home and in your church and out of my face when what you believe in is stirring up anger and hatred in the fellow man around you.
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